somebody snuck up and got me drunk
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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