she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
