Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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