I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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