if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This is my gift to your gina
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
