that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
