Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
