I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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