Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
True strength comes from lack of pants
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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