ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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