I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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