I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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