Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
