My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
