My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
