Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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