I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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