my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We have started to decorate penises.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
