Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
