it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
