I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
