the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
