omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i drank out of a bidet.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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