He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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