Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
