There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
