I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
