We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
