It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
