look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
