I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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