If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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