She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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