Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize