He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
