the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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