She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
