people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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