Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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