If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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