I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize