I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
