hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize