evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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