how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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