Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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