you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize