idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
