my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't turn off my feet"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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