Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
