I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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