In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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