I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
