Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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