my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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