i think my tv is drunk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
