He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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