He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just invented taco cereal.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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