I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
