i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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