I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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